FAMILY MATTERS: Anticipate youths' distress on 9/11 anniversary
Although younger children might not have memories of the event, they may well be upset because they resonate to the emotional reactions of their parents that the anniversary triggers.
Adolescent children are at even greater risk for feeling distress. They remember the event and are acutely aware of how much more dangerous the world has become because of the disastrous miscalculations we made in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks. They know invading Iraq was a colossal mistake that has made the world less stable and the United States much more vulnerable to terrorism, not less.For example, I was on the phone with my eldest son while the World Trade Center was collapsing a few blocks away. Of course, I was relieved that he was safe and concerned when he said he and his friends were going down to see what they could do to help. However, the reality is that he and other New Yorkers are probably in more danger now because of the increased animosity toward America and its foreign policies.
As a nation, we have become more fearful and much less confident in our government's ability to protect us from natural events, much less terrorist attacks. Over the past seven years, our reactions to the 9/11 attacks have become commingled with our reactions to subsequent events, making our emotions even more complex.
Against this backdrop of confusion, fear and helplessness, parents should make sure family members deal with the personal emotional aspects of the anniversary.
Here are some suggestions:
- Begin by dealing with your own reactions. Only then can you deal effectively with those of your child. Make the connection between anniversaries and personal feelings explicit for your family.
- Explain that anniversaries often unleash the same emotional reactions as the original event and that we need to look for these feelings and talk about them.
- Normalize this by saying, "All of us may feel afraid, vulnerable, helpless, sad or angry like we did on Sept. 11. I am, and I want to talk about how you are feeling."
- Keep in mind that talking about an event, even about how horrible it was, is not the same as expressing personal feelings.
- Help your child reconnect with his or her immediate reactions to the attacks by asking, "What did you think at the time? What were you feeling? Do you feel any of these things now?"
- Keep in mind that events often generate more than one emotion, feelings may be contradictory, and your child may be confused.
- Help your child move forward by asking how he feels about the attacks now. Use logic and facts to analyze the actual current threat risk, and hug and reassure your child if necessary.
- Explore related issues. What does your child think about the ways our government responded to the attack? How does he feel about our response? About what has happened as a result? Teens, like adults, may have strong feelings about this which the anniversary triggers.
- Use the anniversary as an opportunity to help your child gain perspective.
- What did your children learn from the event? How has it affected their confidence, sense of personal well-being, values and behaviors? What are the new challenges we face now?
- Explain how emotions about similar painful personal experiences that have been dealt with previously, such as the death of a loved one, may resurface with surprising potency. Discuss these with your child.
- When people are unaware that their emotions are being intensified on an unconscious level by a personal experience that has been stirred up by a traumatic event such as the terrorist attacks, the dissonance between what they feel and what they think they should be feeling can be upsetting. The important thing is to acknowledge that this has occurred, deal once again with these personal traumas, and move forward.
- Be alert for recurring symptoms similar to those experienced by members of your family immediately after the attacks. Losing sleep, developing stomach aches or headaches, feeling lethargic, depressed, unfocused, fragile or personally vulnerable are clues that strong personal emotions are present and need to be dealt with.
Remember, more than anything, children take their emotional cues from parents. Our words and actions must communicate our confidence that we are safe now and that we will deal with any future threats with courage, dignity and empathy for others.
Dennis O'Brien is a licensed clinical social worker, experienced educator and therapist who writes educational materials for the Washington University School of Medicine Department of Psychiatry.
